Cheated On, Ladies? It’s Not Your Fault

Posted on by Susan
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I wish I didn’t need to have to talk about this topic, but it is an area I specialize in when it comes to coaching.

Being cheated on is one of the most painful experiences a woman can go through. It is no picnic for men either, but I am going to address it more as it pertains to the ladies.

Why? I went through it in my first marriage. In fact my first husband cheated so many times both before and after we got married, even up until the moment I asked for a divorce that I just lived in constant fear of it. His parting gift to me was an STD. Yup, thanks for the gift. When, out of courtesy, I called him to let him know he needed to get tested, he thoroughly denied it, but I hadn’t been with anyone else, so there was no doubt where it came from. I decided if he wanted to be in denial, it was his health risk.

Cheating is a complex situation as the person who cheats isn’t always in that happy-go-lucky feeling thinking all is well in life and love either. People cheat for different reasons, many of which are feeling wounded inside, thinking that the thrill of the cheating will make their inner boo-boo all better. And it doesn’t. They know they are hurting their spouse, their kids, and often still love them, but they carry on anyway.

Being cheated on, for me, left me feeling devastated, blindsided, worthless, unattractive, sad, angry, and broken, amongst so many other feelings. My confidence dropped and while my former husband claimed he wanted to work things out, we never really did and his cheating continued. I walked around on eggshells, constantly tense, worried, and braced for impact. It was no way to live as it affected my job at the time, my health, my friendships, and my sense of self.

We ladies often are not quick to run to divorce court, especially those with children to consider. Divorce is a slippery slope and for some, cheating is grounds for dismissal. It is a very tough decision to make and all of it has consequences.

For me, it took 5 years to finally drop the divorce ball on him. He didn’t fight it. He was ready to go and so was I.

The thing is, women who are cheated on are not victims, even though it may feel that way. We have the power to grow in consciousness, in confidence, in worthiness, and clear our own past wounding from our family of origin and childhood experiences so we don’t have the inner landscape to even draw it to us. No, we don’t consciously ask for it, but subconsciously if we had some bad early programming in life, it is something we almost subconsciously expect.

And now for the good news:

  1. It is possible, with the right man, to rebuild your marriage. It does take 100% commitment and a very deep process to do so.
  2. As a woman, you can rebuild yourself, your life, feel empowered, sexy, confident, loveable, and vibrant again.
  3. You can find love again with a man of integrity if you are one who chooses divorce.

Should you try that alone? I don’t suggest it. I worked the very process I coach and teach in my own life, after my divorce. I did some of it alone, and some of it with support. Having support made a world of difference.

My prize: a second husband who is amazing. Why did I attract that? I finally got my internal world aligned with my external vision for marriage. No, it didn’t happen overnight, but I got there and have been happily remarried since 2001. I have also helped couples repair their own relationship that almost broke apart from cheating.

It is a complex and sad state of our culture and, for some, biology that they haven’t learned to control.

Is it possible for a man to control himself? Yes it is. There is a part of the male brain that can do so.

So, ladies, if you are in this situation and are wondering how the heck you will ever feel whole again, check out my program Thriving After Infidelity. Learn your worth, heal from the devastation, grow back your confidence, and learn how to never experience the pain of cheating again and THRIVE.

In the meantime, keep working on and loving you and know that even though you may have drawn the experience to you for growth and learning (I know- not what you want to hear), it is NOT YOUR FAULT, so you can let that part go right now.