3 Traps to Consider When Getting Married Again
Isn’t it shocking to see the current statistics for divorce rates in this country? Maybe not at this point, but it’s almost as if someone doesn’t take the garbage out and that is then grounds for dismissal. According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, the stats are as follows: 45-50% of first marriages end in divorce; 60-67% of second marriages end in divorce; and 70-73% of third marriages end in divorce. I have seen studies with even higher divorce rate statistics for third marriages, going up to 90%.
So we get it, divorce is common these days. But what comes next? Most men tend to move on quickly to be with someone else whether it is casual or not, while women tend to reflect a bit longer, are often the primary parent of kids (if kids are involved). There are many other life-altering changes when divorce happens and it is more challenging than one might think.
Moving on to what’s next is scary for many people and once the new life of the divorcée is finally settled and it’s time to get back out there again to date, people usually find themselves confused in a sea of online dating, speed dating, coffee dates, and dating that may not have been all that popular or even around before they were married the first time.
But imagine the divorced person eventually does meet someone they actually want to date and that can lead to the question, “Do we want to get married again?” While there are a few different mixtures – combo couples – one has been married, one hasn’t; couples who are both divorced; one has kids and the other doesn’t; and, of course, couples that have both been married before and have kids, that question needs careful consideration and many fall into traps when reflecting on that inquiry. While there are more, here are 3 traps people fall into when considering getting married again:
- Trap 1 – I am older, wiser, I have been married before – That is all well and good. It can actually be helpful, but are you actually wiser in the area of marriage? Do you have new skills to communicate, to resolve conflict, to merge finances? Have you learned what didn’t work in your previous marriage and have you completely closed that chapter of your life and healed the wounds? These are questions to consider.
- Trap 2 – Sure, I’m committed – In remarriage, many people feel they are committed but because they have been divorced and survived, they often keep one toe out the door just in case, making their commitment less than 100%. It is easier to walk away because they have lived through it before. Commitment is the foundation of the container of marriage. Can you make sure the commitment is 100%?
- Trap 3 – Of Course I Know What I Want in a Marriage – Most people are not clear enough about what they really want in a marriage the first time around, and if they don’t reflect on this, they go into the next marriage without that deep level of clarity. What are your core values in life and marriage? What are your core essential needs in a marriage? What are your deal makers (must-haves) and deal-breakers (what will have you walk away?). If you don’t have a clear idea, it’s time to become fully aware of exactly what you want so you don’t have an “uh oh” moment midway through the next marriage.
There are so many more traps people fall into and ways to overcome them when getting married again. Being on the wrong side of the divorce rate statistics is miserable, especially if it happens more than once, but learning the skills required, healing and closing the chapter of the past, making a full commitment, and deeply knowing what you want can help this next marriage be your forever marriage.